Thursday, April 23, 2009

Time for a hearing test

My mother pops her head into my room and says:

"Angie, would you like some semen sponge cake?"

an9ie: WHAT? (Walks into kitchen.) I really hope you said, "cement sponge cake". (Looks suspiciously at baked goods on plate.)

Mum: CINNAMON! CIN-NA-MON SPONGE CAKE!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Time to shift some pounds

Yes, I know we're on the metric system in Australia, but "pounds" just flows better in a sentence. (I also like to use terms that help my American readers feel at home. Hi guys!)

You know how in the Nancy Drew books they always, ALWAYS describe poor Bess as "plumply pretty" and George as "athletic" or "tom-boyish"?

Well, I'm a Bess who desperately wants to be a George. I saw a video of myself at the zoo (we could have all sorts of fun with that one, so I'll just let you use your imaginations) and the camera really does add 20 pounds. I think I could have painted myself grey and crept into the elephant enclosure, and no one would notice.

If cameras did not exist, there would be more happy women in the world.

I think I'm going to join a religion that forbids people from taking my picture, because they might capture my soul.

Take that, technology!

Monday, April 06, 2009

An evening with the Candyman

So MFC and I watched Candyman last night. We were pretty excited for most of the movie because we thought Gillian Anderson was playing the lead character (Helen Lyle).

When the credits rolled at the end, we found out that Helen was actually played by Virginia Madsen. Oh well.

Before the end credits, we kept saying things like, "She looks different in X-Files. Has she had a nose job since then?" and, "OMG! We're seeing Scully's boobies!" (Well, that's what I was saying. MFC just kept going, "Mmm ...")

This is what happens when you do not pay attention to the DVD cover.

It took a bit of cajoling from MFC before I agreed to watch the movie with him. As you all know, I have something of a love-hate relationship with horror. I love reading it (and sometimes, watching it, or at least reading the spoilers over at themoviespoiler.com--warning! This site is addictive!) but I am unable to withstand the mental trauma that my imagination doles out afterwards.

I mean, I was doing so well, falling asleep with the lights off, and not worrying about ceiling demons or vampires in the back yard or serial killers in the front yard or soul-eaters in the mirror.

an9ie: Fine, I will watch Candyman with you. But you have to promise not to scare me before or after the movie.

MFC:
Sure.

an9ie:
Or during the movie.
MFC: Damn!

an9ie:
I mean it. No creepy whispers, no waiting outside the toilet door and making scratching noises, and no hiding around corners waiting to jump out at me.

MFC:
Deal.

(4 minutes later ...)

Eerie whisper: Aaaaangie ... What's that noise, Angie? Ooh, it's getting louuuuuder.

an9ie: YOU COULDN'T WAIT FIVE MINUTES, COULD YOU?

Update (Tuesday, April 7th): OK, so I managed to fall asleep with the light on last night, but then I woke up at 5am for no reason and kept thinking Candyman was standing in front of my bed. I had to have my interrogation-strength reading lamp on until dawn broke. GAH.