Monday, October 06, 2008

Mr Camera, why do you hate me?

You know what burns a girl? When her boyfriend is more photogenic than she is.

I don't know why, or how, but whenever my image is captured--digital, film, crayon, it doesn't matter--the camera adds 20 kilos, facial hair, a double chin, and bingo arms.

It doesn't matter if I'm all dolled up and I've looked in the mirror 20 seconds beforehand to confirm that, yes, total strangers would not immediately throw up if they saw me approaching.

And then my mug becomes immortalised in yet another awful shot and when I see myself through the lens I think, It's all over, girl. Why do you keep flogging this dead horse? Time to drown yourself in liqueur chocolates and join the muumuu club.

You think I'm joking? In my time on this Earth there have been fewer than 20 photographs of myself that I have approved of, and half of them date from the 70s.

MFC*, on the other hand, well, let me tell you about MFC.

He finally decided to get rid of the moustache that he had been cultivating since two Movembers ago, and asked me to take a photo of it for posterity.

Scene: We've both just woken up, and MFC wants to shave off his mo' in the shower, so he's shooed me out of bed to get my digital camera.

an9ie (looking at the LCD preview on her Canon Ixus 60): YOU BASTARD. I don't believe it.

(does a Mr Incredible pose and smiles at the camera): ...

There is something wrong with this thing. (Looks up) I can see it as plain as day when I'm not looking at the damn screen. You have bed hair. You have stubble. You look like you have a hangover. (Looks back at the LCD screen) But here it's all ... cheekbones! Symmetry! Clear skin! Bambi eyes! Gah! Stupid camera!

MFC gives me a smug leer. In the viewfinder, the face of an angel beams beatifically.

'The camera never lies,' my arse.

* For newcomers, MFC is the Boyfriend.**
** But he may not have this title for much longer if he continues to look prettier than me.


Neil said...

That is always a rough spot when your significant other is hotter than you. The only solutions is to dress him poorly.

Anonymous said...

I think you should publish a picture of yourself and your MFC so we can critique them and tell you if you are correct in your judgement. Jaymez

Iris Flavia said...

:-)))) So true, though!
But what are bingo arms?

an9ie said...

Bingo arms as defined by Urban Dictionary and Wikipedia.

Genevieve said...


my mom was talking to me on the phone whilst browsing my facebook pictures and started laughing and read me a caption "yet another hideous picture of me". she asked why i put it up. simple. andy looks gorgy in 95% of his pictures and i must share them even though i look hideous in over 95% of mine.