Thursday, July 05, 2007

My new secret vice

Caution: this post contains the f-bomb. But it's all Ari, not me!

The other morning I left the house at 8:56am - and you know what I was doing? I was watching the last 15 minutes of an Entourage episode I had taped. I could not tear myself away.

Ari Gold (Jeremy Piven), after Grey's* Cristina Yang (Sandra Oh) has to be one of my favourite TV characters ever. He's a tyrannical, potty-mouthed bully who still manages to come off as a devoted husband and family man.

And he's sexy as hell. I swear, that episode where he goes and busts up Josh Weinstein's party and he's wearing a short-sleeved button-up white cotton shirt that clings to his biceps? I nearly took off my bra and threw it at the screen.

The best scenes are the ones where he's interacting with his family, or, with my second-favourite man on the show, his gay Asian assistant, Lloyd. (Aside: here's a link to a great interview with Rex Lee, the actor who plays Lloyd.)

Long list of Ari Gold quotes follows. I simply cannot help myself.

Ari Gold: You like Gaysian Lloyd? He's cute, right? And he covers two quotas.

Lloyd: Ari, swear to me you will never say anything offensive to me about my race or my sexual orientation.
Ari Gold: I can't swear to that, but I promise I will always apologize after.

Ari Gold: I'll beat that old fuck and throw him in the pool.
Ari Gold: [to his young kids]
Ari Gold: Only Daddy speaks that way!

Ari Gold: [getting off the couch]
Ari Gold: Lloyd!
Ari Gold: [pulling envelope out of drawer] In this envelope, there are the names of eight agents. If anyone catches you, eat it. Nod if you understand me.
Lloyd: I understand.
Ari Gold: You can't just fucking nod? Lloyd, I want you to ... to swear your undying loyalty to me.
Lloyd: Ari ...
Ari Gold: Listen to me, Lloyd, do you want to make it in this business or fold shirts at a Chinese laundromat? Pledge.
Lloyd: I pledge my undying loyalty to you, Ari.
Ari Gold: Good. Now, I want you to go to each of these agents - discreetly - and say the words "tse-tse fly". Say nothing else. Now go.
Lloyd: Ari, are you leaving the agency ...
Ari Gold: Silence is fucking golden, Lloyd. Go.

Ari Gold: [calling Lloyd from his car] Listen, Lloyd, I want you to put all my files, folders, binders, everything into a box! If you find a used condom, an executioner's mask, and a fucking spike paddle, don't think, just pack that bitch! Chop suey!

Ari Gold: [to E, Vince's manager] You wanna hug it out? Let's hug it out, bitch.

Ari Gold: Thank you, you know I'd love to show up but it's actually anal sex night at the Gold house, so ... But thank you for the invite, I'm gonna go home and punish my wife.

And to end on a beautiful Ari-Lloyd moment:

Lloyd: I worked 18 hours a day to save up the money to put myself through Stanford Business School. While I was there, I cleaned the cafeteria during the hours I wasn't studying, and still graduated top of my class, only to take a job delivering mail to unappreciative overpaid little cocksuckers. Then to finally get the big promotion that would allow me to answer your phones and be both racially and sexually harassed for the next nine months. But I know the end-game ... and you Ari Gold, you are it. So stop your fucking whining, and go into your gorgeous three million dollar house, with your beautiful goddess wife and figure out how you're going to make both of our lives happen ... tomorrow!
Ari Gold: That was a good speech Lloyd. If I was 25 and liked cock, we could be something.

* Re: Grey's, I am so sick of the whole George/Izzie thing that if both characters were written out of the plot in some incredibly ridiculous way, like, oh, having their bodies being taken over by aliens that needed to desperately reproduce and then died horribly at the hands of NASA ... oh wait, I think that's been done already ... I'd just blink once, get a cup of tea, and then keep watching.

Because that is how believable the whole George/Izzie relationship thing is. Gleesh. What about Denny, Izzie? WHAT ABOUT DENNY? His SOUL is doomed to wander round the hospital corridors just hoping to catch a few seconds with you. The poor schmuck should've just flushed his 8.7 million dollars down the toilet.


Blandwagon said...

One of the things I like about Grey's Anatomy is that every single woman in the world watches it and every single man in the world doesn't. From what I can tell from the occasional commercial, the central character has become a sort of metaphysical vessel for the life fantasies of global womanhood. She seems to have been spontaneously generated by a billion women thinking, "I want a soulmate... no, wait, TWO soulmates... and a great job, but one with plenty of free time, and adoring friends, and a spiritual journey, and great accessories. And cute hair!"

By contrast, when a billion men get what they wish for, the result is just yet another explosion/car chase/fighting movie. With Angelina Jolie worked in there somewhere.

an9ie said...

She does have great accessories. And there is certainly plenty of man-candy on offer (except George, who, as I have said, is becoming REALLY REALLY REALLY annoying).

But I think you would like Ari Gold, Blanders.

My point is that I have no point.

And I want some marshmallows.

Libragirl said...

I have been in love with Jeremy Piven since I saw Say Anything and he was only in it for like 5 minutes (he's in almost all of John Cusack's movies since they use to be best friends).

And I read some Grey's spoilers that Shondra Rhymes (sp) is going to fix the whole George/Izzie storyline since it sucked so hard.

an9ie said...

OK, Libragirl, on the count of three, 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... Jeremy Piven. SIGH.

How can Shonda fix that mess? Oh, how? By turning back the time continuum so that I wake up tomorrow and the whole thing never happened? Seriously, I don't know how that plotline got dreamed up. I've read so much feedback on the Net that readers consider it very contrived and out of character. Now I can't wait for Private Practice to start. Love the casting for that, esp. Tim Daly as love interest. Woo!

girlanddog said...

Nearly took my bra off... HAHAHA!!

Juliness said...

I adore Entourage! Ari is the best selfish bastard ever. Those brief and sporadic glimpses of his humanity keep us coming back for more.

Your bra thing gives new meaning to the phrase, "Keep your pants on!"

Doesn't it?

an9ie said...

They've done some great characterisation in this series I must say ... I'm catching up, so I watched the first eight episodes from Season 3 last night, and there is yet more Ari in them, which is SOOOO AWESOME. Wonderful casting. If someone has to have Ari I'm glad it's Mrs Ari. In fact, she's probably the only woman who can cope with him :p

Don't worry Juliness, the pants would have stayed on! I was sitting down and I'm far too lazy!