Thursday, July 12, 2007

Lessons to learn while you're young(-ish)

Lesson No. 265:

When you become a hairy old lady (and you will, unless you inject yourself with hormones every day, or murder virgins and drink their blood), for the love of all that's holy - WAX YOUR UPPER LIP.

It's not that hard. Heck, if it's too much for you, invest in an Epilady that does facial hair.

The chaplain at my old high school, Father G, was a complete sleaze. His wife, Mrs G, was lovely, sweet, kind, and much too good for him. She was also the first lady I ever saw with a moustache. It was grey, bristly, and definitely NOT a trick of the light. Sigh.

A few years ago I was taking a train to Edmonton Green (in London) and a large, middle-aged African lady came and sat opposite me. She had the cleavage of a cruise ship, which was directly in my line of sight. I was too engrossed in my book to look at her closely, but as I was turning a page, I looked up and almost did a Marx Brothers-style double-take.

In addition to a moustache and beard, she had little curly black hairs ALL OVER HER CHEST.

Madames, if you do have the cojones* to walk around with a cleavage AND a moustache, at least do it in style - make sure you have a luxurious, wonderously manicured, magnificent silky topiary on show, and not a sparse growth that resembles the chest hairs of an adolescent boy.

* Yes, I am aware that this may not be the right context, but I really like saying, "cojones".


girlanddog said...

Cojones certainly fits... You just reminded me to yank out that stupid black hair that grows on my chin. *sigh*

genevieve said...

She had the cleavage of a cruise ship, which was directly in my line of sight. I was too engrossed in my book to look at her closely

If people have cleavage hanging out, I openly stare. I don't know why, but I mean they're wearing the top so people will stare so why not? lol

Haha this reminds me of when I used to work at this bakery/ café place. This woman came in every day with a mustache. Every time she came in, my friend and I would burst out laughing. Sometimes we'd have to run in the back.
Haha SO mature, huh? Hey. I was like 19. And it was really funny.

Juliness said...

I think the first rule of aging gracefully is PAY ATTENTION.

If things grow where they aren't meant to, pull them out, wax them or shave them off.

If body parts begin to slip and slide to places they've never been, get them fixed (by whatever means you choose, I'm not picky).

And if you start to wonder if you are dressing to young - you are! Cover up.

Great post! Glad you're feeling better.