Thursday, May 31, 2007

Why you should never send a man to buy a bra

One of the things I love about MFC is how independent he is when it comes to clothes shopping.

Unlike some men, who need their womenfolk to hold their hand and wait in the changeroom, MFC will decide one day, that he needs some new trousers. He then goes to the store, buys them, and ta-dah! All done.

Having said that, he is quite amenable to you coming along and providing input. So, best of both worlds.

Last Saturday we went to Myer to track down the aforementioned trouserial items. Luckily Menswear at Myer Carousel is right next to Ladies Lingerie, so I was able to shop for some new bras while MFC went into the changing room.

MFC: Make sure you get some black ones.
an9ie: I do need some new black ones. (Suspicious) Why do you care?
MFC: Because you have to wear them under thin white shirts! Then everyone will be able to see them!
an9ie: Sigh.

I have been buying bras from the same brand, Berlei, for the last ten years. I swear, I tried on five other brands that day, especially since they were pretty and on sale, but none of them fit properly. Dammit. How can you be a 12C in one size and a 14D in another? Stupid clothing companies.

Half an hour later, MFC came back with his trousers (once again, how I love an independent male shopper), and I showed him the bras I had chosen.

an9ie: Well, here are the ones I'm gonna get. (Holds up two of the Berlei bras in the same model that I already have, like, FIVE of.)
MFC: You like padded bras?
an9ie: These are nicely lined for smooth, even coverage, not padded. I don't need any extra help in that area.
MFC: Why don't you get ones made from thin material, like these? (Indicates slutty bras with no support. I might as well make my own from cooking twine and some clingwrap.)
an9ie: Because I do not care for my nipples to be on show at the office!
MFC: But that's HOT. Imagine how fast you'd shoot up the corporate ladder.
an9ie: Both my bosses are women.
MFC: Get them anyway!
an9ie: SIGH.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Kevin promises Soylent Green?

Kevin Rudd is the leader of the Opposition (the Australian Labor Party) here in Australia. Our federal elections are coming up, and naturally, the snake oil-selling and mud-slinging have begun. Whee!

Blandwagon has a funny post here about Kevin Rudd's promise to close the 17-year gap in life expectancy between black and white Australians within a generation.

If only all the election news could be this hilarious.

When I take over the universe, would you be my Chief of Correspondence and Propaganda, Blandy?

The breastfeeding debate continues ...

There was a rare occasion a few weeks ago, when all three of us siblings happened to be at my parents' place at the same time.

We were in the kitchen, talking to Mum, and my older sister, Y, was standing in between me and G (our younger brother). Suddenly Y looked up at both of us and went: "Why am I the shortest one here?"

an9ie:
Maybe Mum shouldn't have taken so much crack the first time she was pregnant.

Y:
ANGIE!

an9ie:
Oh, I don't know. Breastfeeding? I know Mum didn't breastfeed any of us for very long. Oh, Mo-ther ...

Mum:
(chopping up vegetables) Hmm?

an9ie:
Just how long did you breastfeed Y for?

Mum:
Three months.

an9ie and Y:
What?!?

Mum:
I really wanted to go back to work!

an9ie:
Ha! You see! And me?

Mum:
Five months.

an9ie:
And G?

Mum:
Three months.

an9ie:
Ah ha! Ah ha ha! I got the most breast milk!

Y:
ANGIE!

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Immersion therapy sucks

Now, because I am a good, nay, a great girlfriend, I got MFC, a horror movie buff, a copy of Event Horizon on DVD. It was the director's cut, and came in that cool case that looks like part of the ship.

I soon realised my mistake when he exclaimed, "That's great! Now you can watch it with me!"

I managed to stall him for a very long time, but on Saturday night, I finally relented. Even though (as you all know) I have this thing about horror movies, ever since I watched The Ring about, oh, FIVE years ago now, couldn't sleep for two weeks after that, and still get nasty flashbacks if I get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.

Caution: may contain spoilers

So we watched Event Horizon, which I got through by clamping my hands over my ears when the scary "someone's going to die" music (or the silence that precedes the scary music) came on, and it actually wasn't too bad.

The part I found the worst was when they finally decoded the ship's log video, the one that showed what the crew were doing after they emerged from the gateway. It was all weird and garbled but I think it showed rape (I hate these scenes in movies) and maybe even some cannibalism (OK, that's pretty bad too)? I'm not sure but I don't really want to watch it again to find out.

And how does that ingrate MFC repay my bountiful generosity? By waiting for me to go into the toilet and whispering, "Let me show you ..." outside the door, every chance he gets.


Update (29/05/2007): I tried to get MFC back by waiting outside the toilet door and whispering, "The darkness ..." but ended up scaring myself! His damn house is so dark and creepy.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

My Fantasy Life

This is the kind of dilemma that I wish I had on a regular basis, in my fantasy life where decisions don't get harder than this.

I'm making Garlic Roast Chicken again, but I'd also like to bake a Devil's Food Cake at the same time to save electricity and gas, since they both cook at the same temperature.

Now, the quandary will probably have been solved by the time you read this, but I would be grateful for your opinions and advice. Help me, foodies!

If I bake a Devil's Food Cake (mmm, so chocolatey) and Garlic Roast Chicken in the oven at the same time, is it all going to end in tears?

Will I end up with some strange chicken that smells chocolatey but meaty at the same time? Will my cake be unpleasantly garlicky? Argh!*


*But only a little "Argh!" and then I'll just do whatever, and keep watching my taped episodes of Grey's Anatomy. Mmm ... Eric Dane ... mmm ... Patrick Dempsey ... do I smell burning?

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Like Water for Chocolate - not a review

This is a little post that has been burning a hole in my "Unpublished" file. Please note that you have to have watched the movie to know what I'm talking about.

Caution: the following text may contain spoilers.



I happened to catch the classic movie Like Water for Chocolate a few weeks ago on SBS.

I love the book, by Laura Esquivel, and the recipes are simply amazing, but also frighteningly exotic and intense, never mind that they were able to make them without electricity or a visit to the supermarket.

Girl and dog, are you familiar with the foods in the book, have you perhaps even made them?

Naturally I had many erudite thoughts about arthouse cinema while watching the movie.

Thoughts like, Hmm, I see Brazilian waxing was not big in Gertrudis's day.

Lumi Cavazos, who plays Tita, reminds me a lot of Mary McDonell. They have such ladylike faces. Earth mother faces. I don't know how else to describe them.

Marco Leonardi, it helped that I hated you the first moment I laid eyes on you, because you certainly play that cowardly idiot Pedro to perfection.

If MFC had been listening (and he wasn't, because he was playing noisy Warcraft DOTA games in his room), he would have heard me yell things like:

"Pedro! You CHICKENSHIT!" (This one was used, as they say, repeatedly, and often.)

"Hah! Serves you right! Yeah, how do you like them bananas, Pedro?"

"Oh, for the love of ...! Your first night of guilt-free sex and you kick the bucket after the act. Damn you, Pedro!"

Mind you, Dr Brown hasn't aged too well at all. Is there NO MAN alive who is worthy of Tita? I hope she ditches that zero, Pedro, in heaven and gets herself a hero.

Like one of the Spartans from 300.

Oh, and also, is it just me, or do all Spanish-speaking movies feel like porn? I mean that in a good way. Everything tries to seduce you, even the scenes with no sex in them.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Uh huh ...

Why yes, yes, I do realise that all this sudden posting activity is, in fact, a delaying tactic, so that I don't have to get round to writing that first pitch letter.

It's OK, kids, this blog ain't going anywhere

There may be some of you who are getting bored with me writing about writing so much.

You might be thinking, Hey, if I wanted to read a writer's blog, I'd be looking up Felicia Sullivan! Angie, what happened to all the snark? If you're going to be all rainbows and happy-happy-love-love, I'm taking my patronage elsewhere!

Don't worry, the snark/dodgy bits/best-left-unpublished blog posts aren't leaving anytime soon.

Today I had the interesting idea of taking some blog entries and re-inventing them (with a little tidying up) as writing samples for the web site.

And then I looked through my blog entries, especially the popular ones (you know, the ones with at least five comments) and went, Hmmm.

Yes, Hmmm indeed.

Let's see, rant about weddings, pot-smokers, and vomit. Pass.

Rant about mooching bints and their territory-pissing budgies/giant fishtanks. Pass.

Stories about toilets, and the unmentionable things that some girls do, involving their special places and things that come from aforementioned special places. Pass.

Description of my latest melt-down, and its chocolate-plastered aftermath. Pass.

Gratuitous galleries of dachshund photos and sketches. Pass.

Also, an extremely casual style that comes with stream-of-consciousness writing, and words like "anyhoo" and "frabjous" scattered everywhere, with all the restraint of hippies at a marijuana-tasting convention.

I think I found one post that could possibly become a sample article, and that was the one about Japanese toilets.

So don't despair, folks, the crazy train will still be making regular stops at this station.

Monday, May 21, 2007

I must ...

... I absolutely MUST have a DVD copy of Centre Stage (or Center Stage for those in the US). The Collector's Edition.

And if that Mandy Moore music video with Sascha Radetsky comes with it, I shall cream myself.

It's on the Wist! Whee!

Scenes, goals, and checklists

Good grief, Charlie Brown!

I have finally managed to tick something off my checklist!

A few months ago I bought Marc Allen's book, The Type-Z Guide to Success: A Lazy Person's Manifesto for Wealth and Fulfillment, and I've been dipping into it ever since for advice on how to follow your dreams and turn them into reality.

Also, seriously, how could I not love a book with a title like that?

Allen suggests first writing down your ideal scene, and then making a list of goals based on that ideal scene.

Oh, that ideal scene was so lovely. I want to go back to bed, curl up under the covers, and think about it some more. Basically it involved lots of sleeping in, writing, drawing, creating, and travelling. And some cute dogs. (I originally wanted five pooches but MFC has beaten me down to two.)

One of the goals I picked from my ideal scene was, "to be published in a magazine".

After you write down a goal, you list the steps you need to take to fulfill that goal. And then you do them!

Of course! Easy!

Ha!

My steps were (in no order, except how I thought of them and wrote them down):

- Send out a pitch letter.
- Send out another pitch letter.
- Send out a third pitch letter.
- Pitch letter needs an e-mail address.
- E-mail address implies website exists. Finish creating web site, and post it! Anything that's unfinished can be "Coming Soon!" Just get it out there.
- Send a follow up e-mail to online web site, G-, about travel writer position, saying that if you do not receive a reply after a week, you will understand that this means they are not interested.
- If still have not received reply from G-, start own website along similar lines, because your ideas are too good to stay in the closet. 1) Register appropriate domain name, 2) open Wordpress account, 3) get writing!
- Re-design business cards so they can be printed out with Avery DesignPro software.
- Print out business cards.
- Post sample articles, illustrations, photographs, and links to web design examples on Clips page of web site.

So, I have overcome my perfectionist tendencies, and the web site is up, although it still needs to be fleshed out with sample articles, illustrations, and links. But the main thing is, it's out there!

The whole time I was writing the content, I kept thinking of Gilderoy Lockhart from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Tonight I spent three hours ...

... creating a business card (which, of course, looks like it only took three minutes to put together).

All I can say is that it is Halloween-inspired (colour-wise) and mostly text. I would have liked to add a logo, but formatting the text alone and choosing the right colours has pretty much broken my spirit.

A few minutes ago I uploaded my design to the cheapie online printing place, and the preview looks awful. Grainy, bleeding edges, muted colours. I can only hope that it's just a crappy preview page, because the instructions say "max. file size 5MB", and the file I uploaded was about 1.2MB.

Otherwise my money would have been better spent on vodka-filled chocolates.

Business cards are important though.

I'm creating a solid identity. It's forcing my hand and calling my bluff. So, you say you're a writer, huh, chimpy?

Now that I'm going to say, in print, that I am a writer AND an illustrator AND a designer, I'd better make damn sure I can pony up the goods.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Not symmetrical

Dammit, for some reason have woken up with one wonky eye like Paris.

The network card on my laptop has decided to die, which is awesome. I shall take it to the shop ASAP and hope I get it back soon. Meanwhile I may have to depend on the kindness of others for e-mail and blogging.

Was contemplating changing the F-words in the last post to only have dashes, i.e., "F---", but perhaps not. I may wake up the next day with the Angie from the last post standing over me with a large shovel.

Monday, May 14, 2007

So ...

I wrote a long post today about feeling helpless, about how I felt that time was passing me by in a blur, and I couldn't find a way of holding on to it or making it last longer.

I do not think I am coping with my thirties well.

The post also included an account of how I bawled my eyes out while driving on the freeway. This is the best time to do it, by the way, because no one will find you or see you, and you can release your frustration at top volume without anyone hearing.

I didn't, however, talk about the events that led to this state of mind, and the only thing I will say here is that they involved a conversation I had on Saturday morning, and a Mother's Day present of a second freaking budgie to someone's mother (not mine) from some other people. A previous, possibly related, budgie story can be found here, in case you need to catch up.

I must be the only person in the world who could be made upset by the (no doubt) thoughtful gift of a stupid bird to someone else.

I decided not to put that post up. In fact, I've deleted it already. It's not productive nor uplifting. Well, neither is the rest of this post, probably, but what I had to say didn't really need to be said, and I shouldn't wallow in it any more.

I haven't felt this kind of sadness since my dog died. January 12th, 2004. It's the kind of sadness that keeps welling up at inappropriate moments. You start talking about something that's comes a little too close to the bone, to the topic you've been trying to avoid, and unwelcome tears well up in your eyes. But I haven't lost anything, and nothing's died.

I've just had a two hour conversation with my sister on the phone, and I feel a lot better. More like an angry demon than the crying banshee-hosebeast that I was a few hours ago.

I prefer anger because I find it productive. My anger is not the sort that yells at people directly, or smashes things. It's an internal anger that frequently rails at the sky with fists shaking, true, but it is also a cleansing flame that makes me spring into action. Sometimes I feel invincible when I'm angry, like I'm surrounded with armour and mounted on a horse charging towards the battlefield.

Much better than lying on the bathroom floor reciting my sorrows to myself and watching the hours fly past in a fug of self-pity.

So, sadness, out. Anger, in.

Let's get moving.

***Warning: the next few paragraphs may contain swearing of the F-variety. I'm sorry, I know I've been doing it a lot lately***

First and most importantly of all, I would like to say a gigantic FUCK YOU to every pompous doctor who has ever told women to have children "before it's too late".

They are clearly assuming that every woman they are saying this to is in a stable, married (of course) relationship, financially and emotionally ready for children, and simply delaying it because they have their heart set on a new plasma TV or that house by the sea or a promotion to vice-president.

FUCK YOU, you pompous asses, and FUCK YOU TOO, Sylvia Ann Hewlett, author of Baby Hunger, who told us that we should plan our lives, find a partner, and have children before 35, when our fertility "drops off a cliff".

OK, that's probably enough F-words for tonight. I won't hurt your eyes with any more.

For goodness' sake, I don't even know what I'm going to have for dinner tomorrow night, let alone how to plan my life around finding a partner and having a child.

I'm not even sure if I'm with the right person or doing the right thing half the time. Are they saying that I should dump the person I'm currently with, because they won't be ready to have a child when I am?

Or, are they saying I should just settle for someone who isn't the love of my life so I can have a child? It would suck to be that guy, the one I've settled for. In fact, I would probably find it a little sucky too. And what kind of life is that for a child, with those kinds of parents?

I agree that children can be a wonderful part of life, a part I hope to share, but I refuse to be harried like a cow to the insemination pen because I'll suddenly lose any worth I might have when my eggs dry up.

I resent feeling like a psychotic baby-hungry has-been, because naturally, there's nothing sexier to men than a psychotic baby-hungry has-been.

What do these people think women become when they can't have children? Dried-up husks? Sexless drones?

My mother has not helped. Her yearning for grandchildren is such that children and procreation somehow creep into the conversation every time I visit. There is no man in the equation at all now. Just me, and a child. Possibly an immaculate conception.

And please, no criticisms of my mother. It would hurt me and her very much, and I know she does these things because she loves me, and wants me to be as happy as she is with her children.

No small wonder that I am so conflicted about these issues. According to my mother, who, admittedly, came from a tougher society than I did:
a) Men are useless and unreliable.
b) Men will go chasing after a younger bit of skirt as soon as they get bored of you.
c) Love doesn't last, but ...
d) Children, you can always keep.

Mother, I love you, and I would give my life for you. But seriously, what kind of message is that to pass on to your daughter? And yes, I know you've seen these horrible things where you come from, and I even know who you're talking about when you tell me these cautionary tales. But there must be men out there who are noble and kind. There must be a love out there that lasts.

"There must be," I said to God tonight in the shower. And I apologised to Him, again, for only having crappy things to give Him. One day I would like to give Him a really nice present instead of all this crap and angst I've been dumping in His lap. But tonight I gave Him my fear, and my helplessness, and my confusion, and I asked Him to take my life in His hands.

I asked Him to just help me be happy.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Don't say I never did nothin' for you guys

Behold, proof of my great regard for you all, that I blog even though my brain and dry mouth tell me it is about two hours past my bedtime.

After four days, I have finished four of the pages for my business website (you would never know it to look at the sparse finished product), with another three to go. One of those pages still needs to be stocked with sample articles and clips. Which I have yet to write. I mean, find, from my expansive array of published work. Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Hoo-boy. Marketing's a bitch. And I'm sick of seeing my smiling face on the Contact page. Bleah. What're you smiling at, smiley? I'll bet you've had heaps of sleep!

I think I shall have to make the photo smaller and a little more discreet. Tuck it away to the side somewhere.

At the moment it's kind of, "Hi perverts! Call Evangeline for a good time! Do you want to get "Lost" in my sheets? Har har," as opposed to, "Hello, I am such an approachable, yet professional business person. Oh, ha ha, ten interviews in the morning and bleeding edge articles for lunch. Just another typical day. That is me. Me is good. Hire me"

I still haven't sorted out my hosting with my provider yet. Surely it is possible to host multiple domains within a single hosting package and ugly URL masking? Well, we shall see.

You know, when you ask the Universe for some rain, it pours.

I was talking to a lovely lady today. I see her regularly, and yet know so little about her. During our conversation today I mentioned that I was going to become a freelance writer, and she immediately opened up.

She told me that she had an incredible story to tell, how her family fled a police state in eastern Europe, despite being devastatingly poor, and how they miraculously made it to Australia. She said people had told her she would never get her story out there, that she would never see it become a book, but she wanted to do it even more because they told her it couldn't be done.

So, I suggested that I could ghostwrite and/or co-author her book for her, and we're both extremely excited about the future of this project. Where we will both find the time, I don't know. How we will find a publisher for it, if and when we get it done, I also don't know.

At times like these, I find Elizabeth Gilbert's words, from her Thoughts on Writing, a great comfort. I have mentioned this web page before, but as the saying goes, "too much of a good thing can be wonderful!"

In the end, I love this work. I have always loved this work. My suggestion is that you start with the love and then work very hard and try to let go of the results. Cast out your will, and then cut the line.

Seriously, I can already feel the fear trying to take over. What do you think you're doing? it whispers. What makes you think you can succeed in such a crowded market? What makes YOU so special? And I just have to ignore it and keep working till it goes away.

My days seem to whirl past in a blur of writing. Every evening when I come home from work/the day job, the first thing I do is turn on my computer. I have some dinner, read a little Harry Potter while I'm eating it (hey, a girl's gotta be on top of things. After all, the last book's coming out soon!) and then immediately hunker down to work. When this web site is finished, I still have so much to do.

Where do all the hours in the evening go? My back feels like a broken fossil.

A new toy is coming soon, I ordered it yesterday and it should be here tomorrow (well, today) or Monday. It's for all the interviews I'm going to do, and I can't wait to show it to you!

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Howdy, I've been a busy lady

So, I've been rushing home at night and working on my new website. The domain name has been purchased, amidst much gloating. Colour schemes are being painstakingly pored over and rejected - I swear I found it easier to find a shade of paint for my last house. The design is brewing, and being coded, as we speak. (Or, as I write, because I'm taking a break from the web page and using blogging to relax.)

It's been a while since my last web design, father. And I beg forgiveness for squandering my meagre skills on my new freelance web page, instead of using them to groom ye old faithful blog here. But don't worry, the blog will get a facelift. Soon. Before the end of the year, even!

In the meantime, I'm all, ah, HTML, my nemesis, we meet again.

And what's this? You've brought your little friend, CSS, along for the ride?

OK, I'm gonna need some bigger guns.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Sky Window

Sunset Wow

Taken from Kalamunda, looking over Perth.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Other people's cars

"Beastess", eh? I don't know why, but I kinda feel sorry for this guy.


Anyway, forget him, because, look - I saved the best for last!

RESPEKT.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Oh dear, now I've gone and done it!

Girls, guys, sausage-shaped dogs with short legs, lend me your ears!

I, Angie, have started down a terrifying, slippery path, and now I have to see where it goes.

I unwittingly set my floppy sandals on this path last night, when I was browsing through a website I found a year ago and immediately loved. It has witty writers, a kick-ass boss lady who looks like she loves life and wants you to love it as much as she does, interesting assignments about intriguing places, and I have always admired it greatly.

As I took my usual voyage through this site, savouring the descriptions and pictures and places, I thought, Hmm, I wonder if they take submissions?

I clicked on the Contacts page and discovered that, yes! Indeed! Looking for writers they were! There is something that only I (let us be all grandiose and save-the-universe here), Angie, can do for them, and I might even be good at it.

That was my first foot tentatively stepping on the path. Tonight, I am putting the finishing touches on my application and e-mailing it to the editor of this wonderful website.

My second foot, that conformist sheep, landed on the path this evening.

After work, I went to a gallery/boutique in the city for some drinks.

I had met the owners of the gallery, at, of all things, pole dancing class. It is, after all, very difficult not to make friends with someone when you are both scrabbling across the floor trying to do something called the "lioness crawl".

They have started a special line of products that may solve one of the biggest dilemmas for men and women worldwide. If both sexes embrace this product, the history of male and female relationships could be revolutionised.

Oh, alright, I'm exaggerating. But to me, it smelled like a story. A good one.

So I turned up, chatted to the lovely proprietresses, and made some new friends, including Lou, who told me about Body Jam classes in the city that weren't on a Wednesday night (finally!), a very elegant lady named Henny, who confided that she loved to look at male ballet dancers' legs, and the freshly single and grittily funny Esther, who looked ready to take on the world.

Then it appeared as if all my planets aligned, because suddenly everyone was there in the right place at the right time, and the gallery owners were talking about how they had to be more aggressive with their marketing, people were laughing at the absurd things I said, and suddenly, the following words just came out of my mouth.

It was like I was an oracle and the gods had decided to make an urgent announcement, without giving me any notice, thank you very much.

"I would like to write an article about you, if that's alright."

They looked delighted. Oh, bugger. Bugger and damn.

"That would be wonderful! What do you do?"

"I'm a freelance writer."

And just by saying so, I suddenly became one.

So now I have told these kind, talented, trusting ladies that I am going to pitch their story to some of the local magazines and online news sites, and that even if my pitch doesn't take, that I will still interview them and post the article on my blog. Or professional freelance writer's website.

Which I am planning to purchase and build this week.

Cards and e-mail addresses were exchanged. I said I would contact them soon.

Argh! It's out there! The Universe has forced my hand!

Somehow, I've gotten myself into this, and now I have to do it.

Eek.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

The ABC of an9ie

Many thanks to girl and dog for tagging me! That wily senorita, she knows I love the lists.

A - Attached or Single? Attached to the inimitable MFC. But if it was Nathan Fillion that came up and asked . . . I would probably pause for quite a bit longer before answering.
B - Best Friend: Nicky, from high school. We laugh at the same dumb things. Often for hours, and even years later. And my sister, except when she pisses me off.
C - Cake or Pie: Pie! Pie! Pie! an9ie likes pie! But would also settle for pie with cake-like filling and the perfect, thin, sugar crust.
D - Drink of Choice: Sparkling mineral water. San Pellegrino. Mmm . . .
E - Essential Item: The Internets :)
F - Favorite Color: Green, but it has to be subtle, or paired with something, as an accent colour. No crazy 70s formica for me!
G - Gummi Bears or Worms? Bears. Less biting, more chewing. Just the right mouthful.
H - Hometown: Perth, Australia, where the sun always shines, although not out of my arse, however much I may wish for it to happen.
I - Indulgence: Lindt Cognac-filled chocolates.
J - January or February: February, the month of my mother's birthday. It puts less pressure on you than January. January's all, "Ah! This is THE year, people! Let us all make fresh starts and make our dreams come true!" whereas February just goes, "Missed our resolutions again did we? There, there, come and have a piece of pie."
K - Kids: Three. I come from a family of three and it feels like the right number to me. Whether my pelvic floor and bank balance will think it is the right number, however, remains to be seen.
L - Life is incomplete without: family, friends, a house and garden of your very own, children, books, dogs, good health, laughter and the love of your life (in no order at all). Gawd, I sound like a Hallmark card. Wish I could be more original, but those things are the real deal for me.
M - Marriage Date: I'll let you know. Or the flying porcines will.
N - Number of Siblings: Two. One older sister, one younger brother. I wish I could say I had middle child syndrome, but my brother came along when I was 8 years old, so I had many years of being a brat :)
O - Oranges or Apples? Oranges. I had apples every day at boarding school for three years. To this day I am not very fond of them. Now, mandarin oranges, on the other hand, I can eat ten of them in one sitting.
P - Phobias/Fears. Frogs, bad spelling, people using "less" when they should be using "fewer" (and vice versa), having dirty feet.
Q - Favorite Quote: Apart from others I've already referred to in this blog, I quite like the Winston Churchill one that goes: "If you're going through hell, keep going."
R - Reasons to smile: My family, MFC, when I blog about something silly and someone tells me it made them laugh.
S - Season: Spring. Not too hot, not too cold. One can wear t-shirts and singlet tops with impunity. Cool days and most evenings allow the use of light jackets to camouflage flabby upper arms.
T- Tag Three:
Juliness from Fresh and Sassy. Former policeperson, inventor of Venn diagram relationships, owner of cute dogs; I'd love to know more about you, my dear.
The food pornographer. Discover the person behind all those luscious pictures of food!
Blandwagon. Yes, yes, I know you are all bitter and cynical and pure steely barbed wire and may resent being asked to list things like "Reasons to smile". Which is exactly why I look forward to your answers, Blanders!
(And the alternate: Genevieve, except I know she's on a blogging hiatus and may not feel like it. Enjoy your holiday, Gen!)
U - Unknown Fact About Me: I have eaten bee larvae fresh out of the hive and lightly boiled with salt and honey. They are an Iban delicacy. (My father is part Iban.) They also taste quite horrible. I was concerned the survivors would kill us all in the morning, in a scene from some B-grade insect horror movie.
V - Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animals? I do love me some oppressed bacon, although I prefer it free-range.
W - Worst Habit: Indecision, procrastination, easily distracted by the Internet (in equal thirds).
X - X-rays or Ultrasounds? Ultrasounds. I ain't letting no radiation beams near my 'nads!
Y - Your Favorite Foods. Sweet and sour fish. Prawn fritters. Banana fritters. Roti canai/pratha. Roast pork. Buy my new book at Amazon.com: How to eat yourself to an early grave!
Z- Zodiac: Year of the Dragon AND a Leo. You think I'd have a lot more moxie with such a combination, but no, I'm still afraid of the dark!

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

And now I'll have a go . . .

I would like to present my own feng shui quiz with blatantly obvious metaphorical answers:

1. Which is your favourite room in the house? (You must choose one from this list.):
a) Toilet
b) Kitchen
c) Bedroom

2. You have a dream where you fall out of a window and onto a pointy fence. What colour is your blood?
a) Red
b) Green
c) Blue

3. What animal in this list appeals to you most?
a) Fluffy baby duck
b) Lemming
c) Komodo dragon

4. What best describes your makeup style?
a) What makeup?
b) Light and natural.
c) Slick and sophisticated.
d) Ru Paul.
e) Tammy Faye Baker.

5. The most horrible thing you can imagine happening is:
a) Walking in on your parents having sex.
b) Walking in on your teenaged daughter having sex.
c) Never having sex (again).
d) Dying on the toilet.
e) Going to the prom and discovering that the maths teacher chaperoning the event is wearing the same dress.
f) Getting a surprise visit from Aunt Flo/the Hunt for Red October/the crimson tide/Arts and Crafts Week at Panty Camp on your wedding day. Why is everyone whispering behind your back as you walk down the aisle? (I actually read this on a "True Wedding Horror Stories" website! No one told the poor bride.)
g) Finding out that Brazilian waxes cause cancer.
h) Recovering from head trauma and discovering that a side effect is being able to see ghosts, demons, and other supernatural beings.
i) Nathan Fillion announcing he is gay. (This doesn't make your blood run cold? What are you, made of stone?)

What do the answers mean?

Well, towards the end, it looks like they mean that Angie's overactive imagination really likes dreaming up horrible scenarios.

Anyone from Fox Studios hiring scriptwriters?

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

A feng shui quiz, you say? Bring it on!

Today I found this feng shui quiz at Libragirl's blog. I thought it looked a little hokey, but I am a sucker for these things, especially when they promise to give you the answer to the universe and all.

The questions are:

1. Which is your favorite color: red, black, blue, green, or yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which color do you like more, black or white?
5 . Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
6. Your favorite number?
7. Do you like California or Florida more?
8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
9. Write down a wish. A realistic one.

My answers:

1. Green.
2. E.
3. July.
4. White.
5. Diana Ross. (What the . . . ? I have no idea where this came from. - an9ie)
6. Seven. (But whose isn't? - me again)
7. California.
8. Lake.
9. To find my place. (This is another I-have-no-idea-where-this-came-from answer. But it certainly is illuminating . . .)

And now, what the answers mean (including my smart arse commentary in italics):

1. If you chose:
Red - You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black - You are conservative and aggressive.
Green - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back. (I am already seeing the cracks in this quiz.)
Blue - You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.
Yellow - You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.

2. If your initial is:
A-K - You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R - You try to enjoy your life to the maximum and your love life is soon to blossom.
S-Z - You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.

3. If you were born in:
JAN - MAR: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
APR - JUN: You will have a strong love relationship that will last forever.
JUL - SEP: You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good. (Perhaps I'll get to meet Diana Ross.)
OCT - DEC: Your love life will be great, you will find your soulmate.

4. If you chose:
Black - Your life will take on a different direction, it will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White - You have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it. (Diana?)

5. This person should be your best friend. (Hallooooo? Diana Ross? How about it, babe?)

6. This is how many close friends you will have in your lifetime. (Ooh, that's a pretty good number. I have a feeling most of them will end up being of the canine persuasion, though. And by that I mean pooches, not bitches. Nevertheless, I can see how you might have come to that conclusion.)

7. If you chose:
California - You like adventure. (I . . . see. Um, didn't you just tell me I was relaxed and laid-back?)
Florida - You are a laid back person. (Feng shui quiz speak with forked tongue!)

8. If you chose:
Lake - You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved. (That's more like it!)
Ocean - You are spontaneous and like to please people. (There are things in the ocean that like to EAT people. How is that pleasing? Oh, wait. (Angie thinks of certain people whose bodies may be hard to dispose of.) Hey, NOW we're cookin' with gas! )

9. Something about forwarding this answer (and presumably the quiz) in an e-mail to 10 people. (As if. I've never passed on a chain letter in my life. Oh, OK, except maybe that one time when I got one that said if I didn't, a ghost woman would hide under my bed and kill me, with horrible picture of demon woman attached. Apart from that, I've gleefully trashed such letters and hence killed countless orphans, robbed disabled children of their trust funds, ruined people's hopes and dreams, and short-changed the longest chain letter in the world that was started in 1798 by Empress Josephine. Whatever.)

Not So Angry Hippo

Wow, you guys are amazing. This is why I love blogging. I get to take something crappy that's happened to me and turn it into something that makes other people laugh.

And not just that, these people who laugh and send hugs and encouragement and commiseration from around the world (or even my own backyard :), these awesome, awesome people pipe up and say, "Hey! We care!"

Lots of hugs and warm wishes to you all!