Friday, January 12, 2007

A Stradivarius on eBay? Buy, buy, buy!

I took up the violin for a while, in my salad days (oh, OK, it was only about five years ago), and I was playing on a Made In China jobbie that one of my cousins had discarded.

Things didn't sound quite right. How could that be? Why was I not an instant prodigy?

I was convinced that the cruddy quality of my "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" (I was using the Suzuki method) was due to the fact that I had a substandard violin*.

A decent violin, I knew, would cost a few grand at least. But I thought I might get lucky. Find one second-hand. A diamond in the rough, discovered in someone's attic. Some poor grandma who was cleaning stuff out one day and said, to her equally clueless grandson who nonetheless was all tech-savvy and had an eBay account, "Billy, see if you can get somethin' for this here fiddle, why not start bidding at a buck? That's my boy!"

And then Billy would have gone, "Yeah, whatever, grandma," because he was too busy looking up Internet porn, and then I would have bought it, and found that I had the missing fifth Stradivarius that everyone thought had been lost forever in the second world war, but actually some guy stole it from Nazi headquarters and gave it to his uneducated peasant wife, who used it to hit the kids when they stole Papa's beer.

That was a long sentence.

Of course, now, being older and wiser, I know that the chances of finding a genuine Strad on eBay are about as high as getting Lindsay, Britney, or Paris (just pick your favourite) to only flash their panties to the world ONCE a week.

I was this close to being suckered in. Whew. Luckily, reason prevailed and I went and bought some SK-II instead, discovered by scientists in an ancient Japanese sake brewery and guaranteed to make you look like Cate Blanchett.***

If you're on eBay right now, do a search for Stradivarius violin. Billy is still selling them. But stay away from the SK-II! It's all mine!

* Yes, I know. How the young delude themselves! Really, it was because I had a shit teacher.**
** Ha! No, she was lovely. But I think I gave her wrinkles.
*** Look! In the dictionary! Next to the word "gullible", it's me!