Sunday, January 21, 2007

The Origin of Witchcraft (my theory)

As regular readers may know (and hello there! I heart you very much!), I'd been under a wee bit of strain over the holiday period, what with that revolting morning discovery, pre-Christmas misery, the whole land clearing thing (Parts 1 and 2), and those damn glamour shots.

In the midst of this, I generated enough ill-will to fuel a volcano. Screw dark matter as a potential energy source, if we could somehow harness all the bad thoughts in this world, and combust them, we'd be able to kiss petroleum and uranium goodbye.

As a passive-aggressive, I tend to internalise all my anger into a little ball of hatred, and then exorcise it with malignant thoughts and elaborate schemes of entrapment and revenge (which never get carried out, so I just end up eating bacon, pancakes, and Streets Parlour-Style Caramel Fudge Twist* instead).

Um, no ice-cream? Is that what it means?

And you thought I was a nice girl! :( Sorry. I am working on it though, and not letting things get to me so much, unless it deprives me of my sleep, and then, as spazz said on that post, I turn into a "psycho hosebeast".

During one of the sleepless nights (I think it was one of the "pre-Christmas misery" ones), it occurred to me, that maybe that's all witches were, you know. Just really, really, pissed off passive-aggressive misfits, who'd taken a few too many hits and went loco.

Maybe they were born with big warts on their noses and the villagers were mean and teased them lots, or the village idiot lived next door and kept tooting his bugle at inappropriate hours.

Maybe they just didn't want to get married at the age of 12, and did terrible things like learn how to read, and were ostracised for it. ANYWAY. . .

Thoughts are pretty powerful things. I mean, OK, obviously thinking about bludgeoning someone is nowhere near as bad as actually bludgeoning them. But it's not good.

I reckon I manifested enough hostility to affect someone once. It might have been coincidence, but, you never know. . .

(Brace yourselves, as this next fact may surprise you ;) I used to be quite a gym junkie, going to aerobics classes almost every day. Mondays and Wednesdays were the nights that I did Body Combat.

Of course, like all regulars, I had my usual piece of the gym to stand on, and I liked to have lots of room to do side and back-kicks. And then one day this blonde girl turned up, in tiny shorts and swishy hair. Swish, swish, went her hair as she surveyed the hall for a place to stand, and then came and stood right next to me. Argh! Invasion of space! I could have reached my arm out and touched her. My kicking perimeter space had been violated.

So my ire, it rose. "GRAH!" I growled to myself as I had to keep my kicks low, ruining my workout but also making it awkward because I couldn't extend my leg comfortably. So, every time I punched or kicked in her direction, I pretended I was doing it to tiny shorts girl.

10 minutes into the class, she suddenly hunched over, grabbed her stuff, and then ran for the women's changeroom. She didn't come back, so I can only assumed she went home. I felt kind of guilty, but also a little pleased, in a mean way, because I had all this space to myself again. Mixed up with all this was a bit of dizzying "Whoah, did I do that? Call the X-Men!" power vibe.

So was it my awful mojo that got rid of the other girl? Shouldn't I be using this power for good? Was it a fluke? Mind you, if it really did work, I would have had much more sleep by now, and there would be a lot more people hunched over their toilets in Perth.

* That my housemate left in the freezer before he went on his holiday, which I had three bowls of, and it gave me nightmares, and then I had to buy some more! But obviously, now I must eat enough to bring it down to the same level that I found it, so that everything's square with the household budget, you know?**

** Obviously.


Neil said...

Passive-Aggressives unite! You did us proud.

an9ie said...

My favourite dialogue from the movie "Mystery Men", when they are auditioning for new members:

"Next, PMS Avenger."
"I only work four days a month. Is that a problem?

(I know it's not PA, but this reminded me of it, and I giggled.)