Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Movie review: Vampyros Lesbos

On the weekend, I was looking up horror movies on the Internet, specifically, people's top horror movies of all time.

I know, I know. It's the last thing someone like me should be doing. I have this love-hate thing with horror movies. I love horror, I want to know all its stories, but then it lingers in my subconscious and resurfaces at inappropriate times, like when I'm in the loo, or trying to fall asleep, or driving at 3am in the morning and there's no one else on the road and I think some psycho has stowed away in my back seat, even though I already checked it before I left.

Anyway, one of the lists I found talked about this movie called Suspiria. The guy who compiled the list, and is obviously some kind of horror movie buff, said that when he got home he turned all the lights on, and even now, years later, his brain flashes back to scenes from the movies, which he remembers perfectly, and still frighten him.

This is how crappy I am at controlling my imagination, all I have to do is look up a brief synopsis of the story on Wikipedia and my brain does the rest. Well then, just don't do it, you silly b--, you might say. But I WANT to know, I MUST know. And then I end up sleeping with the light on, and the next day I wake up with eyebags that would rival the cracks of Mount Doom.

"Sam, is this where I'm supposed to throw the ring in?"
"Um, no, Frodo, they're just Angie's dead sleep-deprived eyes. Move along!"

But this post is not about scary horror movies. Even though I have waffled on about them for four paragraphs. No, I'm writing this post because looking at people's top 50 horror movies of all time reminded me of when SBS started advertising a certain horror movie and my friends and I from Uni were very excited about watching it.

The name of the movie was Vampyros Lesbos. Come ON, people. Lesbian vampires! It's bound to be a hoot! And probably pee-your-pants scary too!

So we all gathered together at Chris's house, because he'd taped it off SBS, and we were prepared to be frightened, and maybe a little aroused (well, the boys were), but mostly good old-fashioned frightened.

. . .
. . .
. . .

Damn you, Wikipedia! How could you have got it so WRONG! "Erotic horror tale" my arse.

See, there's this girl running around. Most of the time she looks confused. And then the director cuts to footage of a scorpion just randomly hanging around the pavement, or on some sand. All the cool scorpion hangouts. Then back to her. Repeat for two hours.

Oh no! Something's chasing her!
Cut. Scorpion tries to walk across a crack in the cement.
Bare-breasted women lounging around pool!
Cut. Scorpion goes to Gloria Jean's for a frappacino.
Head vampire woman tries to lure girl into bed! [Not as exciting as it sounds - an9ie]
Cut. Scorpion goes to TAB to bet on some horses.
Vampire man hunts her across island! [Once again, not as exciting as it sounds - an9ie]
Cut. Scorpion surfs for lady scorpions.

Disclaimer: Some of these scenes may not have happened exactly as described, or even in the locations specified. Guess which ones!

You get the idea. Blah symbolism blah boobies blah boring. After about 30 minutes we turned it off and played cards till Chris threw us out (he put his hands on his hips and went, "I'm going to bed now. I really mean it, you guys!").

And if you are a movie buff, please do not write and go blah blah, Angie actually the insects inherently symbolised blah, and the pavement covered with cracks represented her fall into hell etc., and it was actually REALLY SCARY if you know what metaphors to look for.

I guess I just don't get culture.