Thursday, January 11, 2007

Boudoir photos/Glamour shots - I'm never going to stop bitching

Nope, never. They're certainly providing a lot of blog fodder though, aren't they? Like the Hydra, cut off a head and two more grow in its place*.

Sometimes, to torture myself, I like to dream of what else I could have done with that $5000, like commission a life-sized bronze sculpture of me marrying Nathan Fillion. (Actually, screw that, I could use that to pay Nathan Fillion to be my husband for a day. Or a couple of hours.) Or try all the coffees at Gloria Jean's, and then be so hyped up on caffeine that I become like Neo in the Matrix. Or buy some pandas! Oh god! I could have bought some pandas!


Anyway, for my $5000, which could have paid for drinking water for an African village for a year, I got three gigantic framed pictures and about 20 A4s. But it's the framed ones that I shall obsess about today.

They are:

1. A closeup of me smiling. I think my head is resting on the back of a chair or something, so my face is on its side.

2. A full body shot where I am NEKKID, but with my arms covering the boobies, and a sheet hiding the down-below bits.

3. An arty one with my back turned to the camera, where you can just see a little bit of my nose. I like that one best, 'cause you can't tell it's me, and it's oddly poignant**. Heh. You're not sure if you should boo or cry. In fact, I think it would proudly hold its own next to one of those crying clown prints.

So, these gigantic white elephants that show me looking damn good? My master plan is to FORCE my progeny/spawn to pass them down as heirlooms, ushering in a new age of horror for each generation. Hopefully I'll stick around for a while so I can make sure this happens and they don't end up in Red Dot or god forbid, WA Salvage's closing down sale. I'm planning to live for a pretty long time, and of course, look young through the miracle of science. By the time I'm 90 my body should be 87% plastic.

The proud hand-me-down ceremony would look a little like this:

Heir 1: "But Great-great-great Gammy, I don't want that huge closeup of you smiling! You look so evil, like you've eaten a baby! The eyes follow me around the room!"
Heir 2: "Oh, you think you got a raw deal, Floyd, but I got the one where you can almost see her boobies!"
All (dry-retching): "Ewww!"
Heir 3: "Hey! I don't know why you guys are complaining, I've got the pseudo-arty one where she thinks she's a painting. It's so kitsch. Why don't I just buy one of those singing fish and put that on the wall instead?"
Ancient-plasto-cyborg-an9ie: "Shut it, you kids, before someone gets a knuckle sandwich from Gam-gam! Those pictures cost me a once-in-a-lifetime trip to Canada! I could have stalked Nathan Fillion! So you are going to keep them, and you are going to cherish them!"
(Then I'll do that Homer Simpson thing where I shake my fist in their faces and they cringe, but one of them says, "Who's Nathan Fillion?") "I said, CHERISH THEEEM!"

Oh man, good times. No? Maybe you just had to be there. In my head.

I only wish they could be like those living portraits in Harry Potter? The big smiling one of me would keep whispering things like, "I can smell your blood!" and "Your baby looks so . . . delicious." The nude one could flash people. Sometimes for money. Mostly for fun. The arty one could just . . . stand there. Poor arty shot, even as a living portrait, not very useful. But I love you best.

* Why, no, officer, I haven't been drinking.
** People who know me will say I am about as poignant as cheese. Or is that piquant? Anyway, I like most cheeses, so I don't mind. Oh, except the kind that tastes like I threw up in my mouth. You may laugh, but I have had cheese like that in Europe. And then I had to SWALLOW IT to be polite.


Juliness said...

You made me laugh out loud today! Oddly enough I can see you (even though I have no idea what you look like) shaking a gnarly old fist at your grandchildren. I like the concept and the nice thing is that you'll have years to perfect your delivery.

an9ie said...

I'm so glad, juliness. I like making people laugh :) It seems to negate some of that $5000, like, about $189 worth, so it feels like I only spent $4811!


Well, I'll probably look like a Chinese Joan Rivers with a mild English/Australian accent. Or Eileen Brennan, whatever works for you :p

Do said...

I'm glad I stumbled across your blog today an9ie. I laughed out loud too, and hard. I have never had the guts to go ahead with the "glamour" shots, though I have been sorely tempted. I can tell you from personal experience that this incredible boldness on your part has saved your 35 year old self from standing on a table in a tequila scented haze yelling at your significant other "Take a good look sunshine! This is the best this body's ever going to look - EVVVVERRRR!"

an9ie said...

Two wonderful ladies laughed out loud today at my post! My day is perfect :)

Oh, don't worry, do, I had the mother of all anxiety attacks and a sobbing fit the night before. I'm glad I had them done, but I wish I could have gone in a time machine to the future and read my blog, told the salesperson where to put her gold-leaf frame, and saved $2500.

Do it, if you have been thinking about it for a while. They do make for nice memories, and you'll look beautiful, I'm sure. And this time you can tell them where to stick it when they start to pressure you!

Even if the lesson I've learnt helps just one person stand up to a pushy salesperson, I'll be happy.

P.S. I may still do the "standing on a table in a tequila scented haze" thing anyway.