Thursday, November 23, 2006

Tree licenses

Ooh, that last post reminded me of something that I need to get on my soapbox for, like, right now.

Planting trees.

In general, planting trees is a good thing. They provide shade, and sometimes pretty flowers, and fruit, and places for kids to play and dogs to pee, and oxygen and love.

But some morons should not be allowed to plant trees. There are people out there who will go , "Lalala, I think I will have a lovely line of oak trees on either side of the driveway, and I'll plant them really close together so they look good!" or "Dum de dum, I'd like to plant this mango tree right next to the kitchen window so I don't have to haul my fat ar$e outside to pick them."

And since you can't ask people to show you their idiot license before you can sell them a tree, you just have to make it hard for everyone. This is how most laws and restrictions start, e.g., some half-baked imbecile decides to put a firework up his nose to see what will happen, and suddenly no one can buy or play with fireworks. So I reckon people should apply for licenses to plant trees around their houses.

They should submit a diagram of their lot, and show where the water and gas pipes and electricity and phone cables go, where their fences and walls are, and what kind of tree they want to plant and where. This will save everyone a lot of money and heartache. The Water Corporation actually has a nifty handout that tells you how tall some trees grow (although you could just look this up on the Internet), and how far you should plant them from structures. I couldn't find it on their website, but you can get it from any Water Corporation office. Very handy.

We have a "Dial before you dig" hotline. I really think we should have a "Dial before you plant" one too.

Because trees grow, people.

OMG! O rly?

Yah, really, and they have roots that could break open pipes and crawl under walls and paths.

No way!

And they have large branches that could grow into power lines. Sometimes they obscure oncoming traffic, if they're low.

Wow! I never thought of that!

Yes, I know. Now go and get that idiot license!