Friday, May 06, 2005

The Day After Tomorrow

Have I ranted about this movie before? I probably have, but this is one of my all-time favourite rants, so let's play it again, Sam.

As far as I'm concerned, the only things that save this movie (for me) are Jake Gyllenhaal's abs (I did say, "for me"). I saw this movie in London with my cousins, Ching and Jack (who are girls but those are their nicknames), and Ching's husband Joe. What a great night. It provided us with at least 2 hours worth of ranting material afterwards.

- That stupid policeman. When French woman is frantically banging on the window of the taxi and screaming, I do believe that is international language for "For F*** sakes get me the hell out of this deathtrap!" Instead he stands there scratching his head and love interest girl (or Morona, as she shall henceforth be known) has to come over and translate. "She's saying she can't get out!" Good one, Morona! Maybe you can translate what my body language is saying right now. Just the hands now. Can you?

- And then, after the French woman is rescued, she has the temerity to turn to Morona (perhaps, like the audience, she's sussed out that Morona isn't the sharpest nail in the bucket) and squeal, "Oo-er, I left my passport in the taxi!" "I'll get it!" chirps Morona, despite the fact that a 2000 metre high tidal wave is heading right towards them.

Now, perhaps it's because I'm Chinese, and we are a rather pragmatic race, but at this stage I would have politely responded with some Hokkien obscenities about her private parts and then trampled my own grandmother to get into the building.

Under the circumstances, I think the French embassy would have no trouble believing the story about how you got caught in New York and a giant tidal wave washed away your luggage. That is, if there is a French embassy left. That is, if there is a France left.

- The scene where Morona has septicaemia and they're looking for a cure in one of the medical books. Stereotypical librarian woman is reading, "She'll need antibiotics, or ..." Pause. Y'all know it. Amputation. I can't wait! 

And then--dammit, Jake decides to go look for penicillin instead. I'm crushed. Luckily none of them are medically trained, because with septicaemia there's a certain point where recovery is well nigh impossible, and it looks like she's got to that stage.

(By "that stage", I mean the stage where I'd be sharpening my carving knives and singing, "Who wants the wishbone?" Hey, they might be holed up in the library for a while. I'm feeling hungry already. Waste not, want not.)

In fact, her recovery at the end is nothing short of miraculous. She must be related to the woman in Blade who, after having most of her blood drained by Blade (so he can go open a can of whoop-ass on Stephen Dorff), still has enough energy to have a full-on girl fight with Euro-trasherina. Where can I get me some of those supplements? They can't just be taking Berocca, unless it's special gamma-irradiated Berocca .

- The US government has to make a deal with Mexico so that US citizens can cross the border to survive. Is it just me, or on that map did they not outline HUGE expanses of land belonging to the United States that wouldn't be affected by the freeze? In terms of latitude, what's a mile here or there?

- Australia is not listed on the big scary map as a country affected by the big melt. Yay! We're number one! We're number one! Suck on that ... erm ... everyone else! We'll have no one to sell our exports to, but maybe we'll finally win the Winter Olympics! Without someone falling over in the Speed Skating!

- I don't know if it was just me, but after the movie it felt a lot colder than when we first went into the cinema. I was mentally tallying how many clothes I had in my suitcase, and if they were enough to keep me warm in a holocaust. Also how long Ching's book collection would last as kindling. And last but not least, who amongst my cousins was the meatiest-looking in case we ran short on food. Hehe, just kidding.

OK, maybe not. (Actually, I  have a nasty feeling that the meatiest one is ... me.)

"OK, we're all walking home!" said Joe when we got to the car. "God forbid we burn more fossil fuels!"

1 Comment:

RaZeR said...

it sure will be entertaining seeing your critique on House of Flying Daggers.