Saturday, April 30, 2005


Watched "Kinsey" at Janine's house. Yeurgh. Feel grossed out and slightly violated. Bugger procreation. The human race can damn well fend for itself. I'm going to go scrub myself down with steel wool and Jif.

Note to self, avoid eye contact with sweet looking white-haired old ladies. They harbour unspeakable seediness. Doh--must repress and then remove that image from my head Getoutgetoutgetoutgetout.
Gyllenhaal's...abs... Damn. Can't do it.

Yes, mankind will be all the poorer for the lack of my superior genes.Maybe I should just clone myself. And while they've got the gizmo out, I'll ask if they can do a two-for-one deal and make me a new doggie as well.

Friday, April 29, 2005

Darth Vader's blog

Damon said to me today, "I've found a blog that's even better than yours!" And though it pains me, I have to agree (for the time being). Although Darth needs to run his blog through a spell-checker first, for goodness sakes! Obviously grammar is not one of the requisite skills for managing a Death Star. 

Hehe. Make sure you start reading from the first one (April 9th). Some of the comments people have left are more amusing than the actual blog. I particularly like the mugu* letter.

Mind you, he does have a lot more material to play with than I do. There's only so much you can milk out of living in the Perth 'burbs. Obviously I need to be saving up for a mortgage on a giant space fortress of death. And some henchmen! Gotta have the henchmen. But not bumbling ones that keep letting the good guys get away. Good henchmen!

"Would you like the prisoners delivered alive, milady?"
"Nah, just decapitate them."

Maybe the bumbling ones come cheap. I mean, they are expendable, after all.

And I'll have a pet panther with a spiky collar. And a big throne.


On a completely unrelated note, a hilarious e-mail went round to only the ladies yesterday. You know how some guys (horrible, horrible ones who are obviously destined for lifetimes of loneliness, rejection and beer guts) say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" There's now a companion saying amongst some women that substitutes "pig" and "a little sausage" in the pertinent places. Teeheehee.

*See if you don't know what a mugu is.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Revised dream dictionaries

See, the French and the English have institutes dedicated to updating dictionaries with new words, but unfortunately the stoned hippies that publish those handy guides to your dreams have no such dedication to their craft.

If I had a nightmare about a tamagotchi (yes, I know they're passe), I could look it up in the Oxford dictionary, but not in the local dream guide, which has "crimpers" and "gopher", but not "cocaine" or "gimp mask". Move with the times, people!

And to add insult to injury, their dubious publications tend to be printed on such incredibly coarse and cheap paper that they cannot even be put to use as serviettes, cigarette papers, or handy rollies for lines.

Let's put it this way, if I were trapped in a bush toilet and had to choose between the pages of the "Australian Dream Guide" or a passing hedgehog*, there would be a deliberate pause while I made decision. Knowing my luck, the hedgehog would probably escape during my ruminations, and I'd have to wait for more unsuspecting fauna to stroll by.

Anyway, let's say the other night one might have dreamt that one was in the canteen talking to a guy that one may have fancied (definitely no one that any of you know. No, definitely not. Doesn't even live within a 3000km radius. So drop it.) and in my ... I mean, one's dream he was totally gay! Stupid brain!

So I consult a dream guide that I find lying around at work, and look up "gay". Hmm, nothing. "Homosexual"? Nope. In desperation, I even try "camp". Zero.

What does it all mean? These things may be important! Get your act together people!

* Except we don't have hedgehogs in Australia. Damn!

Infamy! Wooo!

Hey! I'm mentioned in someone else's blog! Look under the "Tuesday Treat" for April 12, 2005. Thanks, Catheter Man!

Otaku cosplayers


I am concerned about these people. 

For those unfamiliar with the term, see the definition of "otaku" on Most otakus are "cosplayers" who like to dress up as cartoon characters from their favourite Japanese anime.

Unfortunately Japanese cartoon characters are drawn with impossibly long legs, tiny waists and huge ... assets. And the women are worse. (Ha! I kill myself!) So when mere mortals try to dress in the same costumes, the results are quite frightening.

I feel especially sorry for the poor "Cutey Honey" girl. (You'll see her as you go through the slides.) She looks very cold. Someone give that girl a jacket before her assets freeze!

My Virtual Model

This is a bit disappointing in that there aren't that many types to choose from. HOWEVER, you can have fun playing with it and trying to make really hideous people.

I particularly like my virtual man Gronk - 4ft5, 350 pounds, red corn-rows and a blonde soul-patch. Mm-MMM :)

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Boys, run away

It occurred to me today that I know a lot of nice guys who just don't know about the scary chicks that are out there.

Of course, there are a lot of lovely, normal females out there too. I work with many of them (and they're taken. Sorry.)

Anyway, here are some warning signs I've picked up on. If you meet people like this, set off at a brisk trot towards the hills. I mean it. Run, Forrest, RUN!

1. She really enjoys and laughs at the gory violent bits in movies.
2. She's still married to a street busker with a wooden monkey puppet.
2a. She's married. (Well, DUH.)
3. She's on meds for mental conditions (yes, plural) that she doesn't want to talk about.
4. She wears pantaloons.
5. She goes down to Freo whenever the sailors come to town.
6. She admires your fantasy knife collection.
7. She collects figurines of her totem animal.

I knew a girl who filled three of the above criteria at the same time, by the way. This list is by no means complete. I'll add some more when I think of them.

The Cyborg Name Generator

Your name as a cyborg acronym:

My cyborg name makes me sound like a porn bot! (And I had unwittingly chosen the "handyvac" avatar as well. Sigh.)

Seriously. This one's much better.

Homies drink Bacardi?

Is it just me or does Bacardi seem to be getting a lot of airplay as the homeboy drink of the choice? Maybe Bacardi sponsors them. Anyway, I can name two songs off the top of my head that mention it: Mariah Carey's "Get Right" and 50 cent's "In Da Club". I think Nelly and Robbie Williams refer to it as well in some of their lyrics.

Wish I had some right now. Actually, I wish I could drink (alcohol) without adverse effects), full stop. Mmm, liqueur chocolates. Once I had an entire bar of Lindt Cognac after a stressful day at the [large telecommunications company] IT Helpdesk. Sweet, sweet alcohol and chocolate are such good companions ... 

This one time (at band camp ... hehe, nah) this lady called me and said "That bar thing at the bottom of my screen keeps disappearing! Oh, look! There it is! Oooh, it's gone again! Wait! It's back!"

She had the Windows Toolbar on auto-hide. Sigh.

Anyway, if you google "Bacardi lyrics", even allowing for repeats, there are LOTS of search results. Just something that occurred to me driving home the other night... Perhaps I should have been watching the road instead, but people in comas can't talk, right? :)

I missed The Best of Queer Eye on Monday night. Man, am I bummed... Carson has the best one-liners. And he graduated with Honours in Fine Arts and Finance. And he was on the US Olympic Equestrian team. What a dude!

Friday, April 22, 2005

Plus ca change

... plus c'est la meme chose. (Yes, I know the accents are missing but I'm too lazy to figure out how to do them.)

The title of this book caught my eye while I was browsing eBay. Amazing how many variations people can concoct on the same theme. In this case it is how a marriage of convenience turns into red-hot blah-blah when he unleashes the blah in her ... something or other ... I'm getting sleepy ... Full marks for getting it into print though.

Selling for $4.92 at the moment with 0 bids.


*Romancing the Crown series*

Condition: Edgewear and Spinewear

A KINGDOM'S HONOUR depends on the actions of the man assigned to protect its princess...

When Princess Samira Kamal found herself pregnant and abandoned, she faced shaming her family and threatening the peace between Tamir and neighbouring Montebello. Then her mysterious bodyguard made a shocking proposal: 'Marry Me.' She'd thought Farid Nasir more machine than man—now Samira yearned to uncover the hidden depths of the man she would call husband...

For Farid, marrying the princess to save his country's honour was all in a day's work—until night came. Suddenly Farid realised his wife was a warm, desirable woman—and a threat to the walls of ice around his heart!

Things my mother told me #2: Suki's Story

I do not agree with the message behind this story, but it does make for entertaining reading. My mother has told this tale to me so many times that I repeat it word-for-word.

Mum brings it out when she is feeling particularly low re: her grandchildlessness state. (To which I usually reply: "But you work in a hospital--can't you just steal one from the nursery?")

Hem-hem. I choose to start the story ... now.

Suki was a nurse who worked in the general hospital. Now, she wasn't very pretty, but she was fair and slim. [an9ie: These are my mother's exact words. Don't shoot the messenger. Especially when the messenger is not the slimmest person around either.] She also had some weird spinal thing going on, I can't remember the medical term; it wasn't scoliosis, and it wasn't very noticeable, but it was there, nonetheless.

Anyway, Suki was pretty full of herself, having just come back from nursing college in the UK. There was this one doctor, Dr. Tan, who was crazy about her and constantly pursued her. He would follow her around the hospital and get his friends to invite her to parties so he could "bump" into her. But Suki was too proud and kept rejecting him. [an9ie: At this point, I always feel like yelling, "Get a spine, Dr. Tan!" Don't waste the pretty!]

And then, one day Suki got a blood clot in her brain, which led to a mild stroke, which caused partial paralysis on one side of her body. She had to stay in hospital for a long time, and she got fat, and after a while even Dr. Tan stopped visiting her and married some other nurse. I believe this other nurse may even have been Suki's best friend. [an9ie: Don't let that eligible doctor go to waste!]

Luckily, Suki has a rich family who can support her financially, because she can't work as a nurse any more. And nobody wants to marry her anyway. And she will never supply her parents with grandchildren *pointed glare at audience* [an9ie: That would be me.] The end.

The moral of this story is: settle for a Dr. Tan if he comes your way. You may not love him. He may not be your soulmate. But take what you can get while you're young. Good men are hard to find.



There should be no settling. The world is a huge place. There are plenty of people out there, decent or otherwise.

Who knows? Suki may have married Dr. Tan and then found out that he was a cross-dressing wife-beater. Or worse (OK, not worse, but not great), she may have married him, had the big house in suburbia, the 2.3 kids, and then found herself trapped in a loveless dull marriage. Don't do it.

Aim high. We all deserve the best.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Seppuku - A Practical Guide

Speaking of seppuku (Japanese ritual suicide - I mentioned it in the "TV" blog from yesterday), I found this gem on the Net.

F3ll0wsh1p of teh R1ng (geeks only)

This owns! I'm not sure where this originated, but type in "F3ll0wsh1p of teh R1ng" into any browser and you'll find it. There's one out for The Two Towers somewhere as well.

Prerequisites: Primer course in l33t required, much geekiness

[At Bilbo's 111th Birthday]
Merry: "Omg, I pwn"
Pippin: "Sif, I pwn"
**Rocket goes off
Gandalf: "Pwned!"

Bilbo: "This = shiz, bai foos"
Bilbo has left the server
Frodo: "***!?"

[later, in Bag End]
Gandalf: "Give teh ringz0r to Frodo"
Bilbo: "Sif! It r precious!"
Gandalf: "STFU NOOB!!!"
Bilbo: "ok"
Gandalf has logged on as admin
Bilbo has been kicked from The Shire

Gandalf: "Show me teh ring, foo!"
**Gandalf rides out, does some research, comes back
Gandalf: "OMGZ, it R teh ring!"
Frodo: "***?"
Gandalf has logged on as admin
Frodo has been kicked from The Shire
Sam has been kicked from The Shire

[At Isengard]
Gandalf: "sup dawg, i r g4nd4lf da gr3y!"
Saruman: "Foo! U R teh noob!"
Gandalf: "***?!"
Saruman: "Sauron pwns joo!"
Gandalf: "Sif, I R leet"
**Sarumon beats the **** out of Gandalf
Saruman: "Pwned!"

[on the road to Bree]
Merry: "look foos, shrooms!"
Pippin: "Woot! Shrooms!"
Frodo: "Ph34r!"
Sam: "Shrooms!"
Frodo: "PH34R!1!1"
**black rider stops, sniffs, goes past
Frodo: "OMG, packetloss!"

[Bree, in the Inn of the Prancing Pony]
**Frodo is drinking and dancing on a table, then slips
Frodo has left the server
Frodo has connected to the server
Frodo: "OMGz, dc'd"
Aragorn: "OMG, noobz"

[at Weathertop]
Merry: "Mmm, shrooms!"
Frodo: "Foos! Ph34r teh haxorz"

**the black riders attack
Merry: "OMG!!!"
Sam: "O.M.G!!!11"
Pippin: "***"
Frodo has left the server
**head nazgul stabs Frodo's ghost
Frodo has connected to the server
Frodo: "***... hax!"
**Aragorn lraps into the fray with a flaming brand
Aragorn: "PH34r!!!!!!"
Merry: "LOLOL flamed! "

[on the road to Rivendell]
Aragorn: "ZOMG!Arwen!"
**Arwen rides up
Aragorn: "A/S/L? Wanna net secks?"
Arwen: "Sif! *** is up with Frodo?"
Sam: "teh leet Hax0r "
Arwen: "Firewall?"

**Arwen rides off with Frodo, the nazgul give chase. Arwen crosses the ford at Rivendell.
Arwen: "PH34R!! My dad pwns urs!"
**nazgul start to cross
Arwen: "LOLOLOLO noobs!!1!"
**the ford rises up and washes the nazgul away
Warning: Connection Problems Detected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
Arwen: "Pwnt"

[at the Council of Elrond]
Gimli: "dwarves pwn!"
Legolas: "Sif, Elves pwn!"
Boromir: "OLOLOL noobs, men pwn!"
Elrond: "STFU tards!!1!"
**Frodo puts the ring on the plinth
Gimili: "Sif ring pwns all!"
**Gimli swings his axe at it, which shatters
Elrond: "**sigh, noob"

[Frodo meets up with Bilbo]
Bilbo: "OLOL, me = 10th level thief!"
Frodo: "OMG, u r teh pwn!"
Bilbo: "Do u still have teh ringz0r?"
**Frodo shows Bilbo the One Ring
Bilbo: "OMG u tard, I want to TK you!"
Frodo: "sif!"
Bilbo: "ph34r my mithril"

[The Fellowship leaves Rivendell]
**Gandalf leads the fellowship through the mountains
Legolas: "ZOMG, leet gfx!"
Gimli: "I R dropping frames! FFS"
**There's an avalanche which threatens to knock them off the shelf
Gimli: "Gandalf, teh draw distance is too far!1!!1"
Gandalf: "**Sigh. Moria?"
Gimli votes to change map to Moria
Votes 4 of 4 required
Legolas: "lolol Gimli, time to upgrade!"

[The fellowship approaches the gates of Moria]
Gandalf: "FFS, its too hard! Anyone got a walkthrough?"
**The gates of Mordor open, but the Guardian attacks!
Frodo: "OMG! ph34r!"
Boromir: "GL HF"
Aragorn [broadsword] guardian
Legolas [arrow] guardian
Gandalf: "gg"

[The fellowship enters the mines of Moria]
Gimli: "OMG!!!! PWNED!"

**After travelling some time in the dark the Fellowship come to a chamber with a large well
Gandalf: "teh bookz0r has some clues!"
**Merry knocks a skeleton in armour down the well
Gandalf: "OMG! noob!"
Merry: "d'oh"
**The fellowship hears the orc drums
Boromir: "***?"
Aragorn: "***?"
Frodo: "..."
Gandalf: "Oh ffs >.<"
**the fellowhip shores up the doors as the orcs come
Boromir: "TEAMS FFS!"
Aragorn [broadsword] orc
Gimli [axe] orc
Legolas [arrow] orc
Aragorn [broadsword] orc
Aragorn [broadsword] orc
Boromir [broadsword] orc
Gimli [axe] orc
Gimli [axe] orc
orc: "OMG! h4x!"
Gimli: "pwned"!
Legolas [arrow] orc
Legolas [arrow] orc
Legolas: "lol!!"
Boromir [broadsword] orc
Gimli [axe] orc
Gimli: "Foos!"
Legolas [arrow] orc
orc: "ffs, wallhax!"
**The cavetroll enters the chambers destroying the doors
Gandalf: "Oh ffs!"
Boromir: "Omg, its teh boss!"
Aragorn: "Sif noob, we're not at teh end yet!"
**Cavetroll slams Boromir and Aragorn out of the way, and then skewers Frodo
Sam: "OMG!"
Gandalf: "OMG!"
Aragorn: "omg, pwn!"
**Legolas jumps on the cavetroll and shoots arrows down into its head
Legolas [arrow] cavetroll
Ork: "OMG! PWNED!"
Gimli: "LOLOOLOL! noobs"
**The fellowship then runs through Moria, chased the whole way by a horde of orcs
Boromir: "FFS! Teams, foos!"
**A flaming shadow starts to follow them, and the orcs withdraw
Aragorn: "Now THIS is teh boss!"
Gandalf: "OMG!"
**The fellowship take to long flights of stairs that are starting to crumble and fall. Orcs shoot at them with arrows.
Legolas: "LOL, noobs. Chex0r this out!1!"
Legolas [arrow] orc
Legolas [arrow] orc
orc: "AIMBOT!"
orc: "turn it off!"
Legolas: "lolol!"
**The fellowship crosses a bridge, Gandalf stops to confront the balrog
Gandalf: "joo shall not pass!"
Balrog: "***?"
Balrog: "Sif, noob"
**Gandalf strikes the bridge with his staff, cracking it and causing it to break under the Balrog's weight
Balrog: "ZOMG! PWNED!"
Frodo: "OMG! Gandalf!"
**The Balrog falls and in a last act of defiance strikes out with its whip, entangling Gandalf
Gandalf: "D'oh"
Frodo: "OMG, joo foo!"
Gandalf: "fly u foos, fly!"
**Gandalf lets go and follows the Balrog into the crevass
Gandalf has left the server
Balrog has disconnected

[After escaping Moria the fellowship finds itself in Loth Lorien]
**The fellowship rests, and in the night Frodo speaks with Galadriel
Galadriel: "For a noob, u r teh leet!"
Frodo: "Sif. I don't want teh ringz0r. Do u want teh ringz0r?"
Galadriel: "******! SIF I want teh ringz0r. I have enough h4x of my own!1"

[The fellowship leaves Loth Lorien and sets out via river]
Saurman: "ph34r my army of uruk hai! Go outz0r, find teh hobbitz and pwnz0r them!"
uruk hai: "leet!"

[stopping at the banks of the river, the Fellowship sets up camp]
**Frodo goes off looking for firewood, Boromir follows and confronts him
Boromir: "Gimmie teh ringz0r so ** hax can fight teh boss!"
Frodo: "Sif, foo. Punkbuster will pwn joo!"
Boromir: "Naw, we play on non-pb servers"
Frodo: "STFU noob"
Frodo has left the server
Boromir: "***! FRODO! Bring teh ringz0r back, faghat!"

**A group of Uruk Hai encounter Boromir
Boromir: "OH FFS, TEAMS!!"
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Boromir: "****ing campers"
**Aragorn comes across the battle
Aragorn: "Boromir joo noob! ***!"
Uruk Hai: "Hah, pwn!"
Aragorn [broadsword] Uruk Hai
Aragorn: "I bring joo teh pwn!"
**Aragorn goes to Boromir
Boromir: "Damn lag!"
Warning: Connection problems detected
Boromir has disconnected
Aragorn: "FFS!"

[Frodo returns to the bank of the river where he gets into a boat. Sam 'sees' him]
Sam: "Frodo! ***! Invisibility h4x!"
Frodo has connected to the server
Frodo: "Sam, STFU and FOAD!"
Sam: "Sif!"
Frodo: "Oh, ffs n00b!"


Wednesday, April 20, 2005


For some reason, whenever I end up watching TV with my Mum and brother, reality shows seem to be on. Whether this is a testament to the volume of RTV out there, or just coincidence, I'm not sure.

(Actually I have a sneaking suspicion that, despite saying she's too busy and has no time to watch TV, it's actually my mother's secret vice. It's funny how she "happens" to turn the TV on just as a reality show starts.)

We're watching "For Love or Money", where the guy has to choose between the "girl of his dreams" and $1,000,000. The intro comes on and we're already yelling "Take the money! TAKE THE MONEY!"

I can't believe they're even deliberating the issue. Look, random dude, a) you do not meet your soulmate on a TV show, b) $1,000,000 can get you a lot of classy ass, c) the sleazy host might say, "You'll never see her again if you take the money," but how can he guarantee that? Does the FBI add them to the Federal Witness Relocation Program? Do they make the woman commit seppuku if the guy doesn't pick her? Is there a plastic surgeon with a Nigerian passport waiting in the dressing room? Come ooooon. If he likes her that much, he can use $20,000 of the prize money to hire a kick-arse P.I. to look for her. MORONS!

I become emotionally invested in these shows rather quickly. I don't know if you can tell.

The other night we were watching The Bachelor. Sometimes I watch it and think, hmm, so you've been single for a while eh? I wonder why ... not.

In the meantime, my Mum has remarked, "Haha! Look at his droopy left eye and large teeth!" Hmm, I think she was exaggerating about the eye, but ye gods he does have large teeth, and they've had the heck whitened out of them. It's like looking at Chiclets on an Omnimax screen.

Poor guy.

I think her favourite is The Apprentice, which I haven't watched much, except when I feel like gazing at Donald Trump's comb-over. The man is that rich, you'd think he'd be able to afford to have someone with similar hair killed discreetly and get a fresh scalp implant every six months.

Although this paints me as a complete peasant, I must say I was addicted to the first American series of Temptation Island. The blonde girl with the pigtails who made her boyfriend cry when he saw the video of her eating fruit off another man's erogenous zones? Pure gold.

Proms in the 'hood

Mmm, classy...

Is it just me or do all the guys look like P. Diddy?

Actual prom photos

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

How to... self-mummify

This is an excerpt from

How to be a self-made mummy

Scientific study of the [Buddhist mummies of Japan] and the process that created them only began in the early 1960's. It was generally expected that the mummies studied would show signs of having been mummified after death by other priests, in much the way Egyptian mummies -- and almost all other mummies on Earth -- have been created. The first step in that process is the removal of the internal organs, because the bacteria in these begin the process of decomposition within hours of death; with these removed, it is relatively easy to prepare, dry, and preserve the remainder of the body. But x-rays discounted this expectation... the internal organs were intact, which meant that mummification had been accomplished in some new way that scientists had not yet encountered. So the process itself was next investigated.

The actual practice was first pioneered by a priest named Kuukai over 1000 years ago at the temple complex of Mount Koya, in Wakayama prefecture. Kuukai was founder of the Shingon sect of Buddhism, which is the sect that came up with the idea of enlightenment through physical punishment. There were three steps in the process of self-mummification that Kuukai proposed, and the full process took upwards of ten years to lead to a successful mummification.

The first step is a change of diet. The priest was only allowed to eat nuts and seeds that could be found in the forests surrounding his temple; this diet had to be stuck to for a 1000 day period, a little under three years. During this time, the priest was to continue to subject himself to all sorts of physical hardship in his daily training. The results were that the body fat of the priest was reduced to nearly nothing, thus removing a section of the body that easily decomposes after death.

In the second stage, the diet became more restrictive. The priest was now only allowed to eat a small amount of bark and roots from pine trees. This had to be endured for another 1000 day period, by the end of which the priest looked like a living skeleton. This also decreased the overall moisture contained in the body; and the less fluid left in the body, the easier to preserve it.

Towards the end of this 1000 day period, the priest also had to start to drink a special tea made from the sap of the urushi tree. This sap is used to make laquer for bowls and furniture; but it is also very poisonous for most people. Drinking this tea induced vomenting, sweating, and urination, further reducing the fluid content of the priest's body. But even more importantly, the build up of the poison in the priest's body would kill any maggots or insects that tried to eat the priest's remains after death, thus protecting it from yet another source of decay.

The last step of the process was to be entombed alive in a stone room just big enough for a man to sit lotus style in for a final 1000 day period. As long as the priest could ring a bell each day a tube remained in place to supply air; but when the bell finally stopped, the tube was removed and the tomb was sealed.
When the tomb was finally opened, the results would be known. Some few would be fully mummified, and immediately be raised to the rank of Buddha; but most just rotted and, while respected for their incredible endurance, were not considered to be Buddhas. These were simply sealed back into their tombs. But why did some mummify and some not? This is the tricky part of the whole process.

It is not clear if this is part of the process as set down by Kuukai, but in Yamagata is a sacred spring. This spring is on a mountain called Yudono, which is in fact the third sacred mountain of the three I visited in 1998. Many of the priests in the area considered both the water and the mineral deposits from this spring to have medicinal value, and may have injested one or both previous to their entombment. An analysis of the spring water and deposits revealed that they contain enough arsenic to kill a human being! Arsenic does not get eliminated from the body, so it remains after death... and it is toxic to bacteria and other micro-organisms, so it eliminated the bacteria that started the decompostion of the body.

As you can see, the process of self-mummification was a long and extremely painful process that required a mastery of self-control and denial of physical sensation. The self-made mummies of Japan are people who have earned the respect now shown to them, as they exemplify the teachings of the Shingon sect of Japanese Buddhism.

Sunday, April 17, 2005


Somehow, at 4.30 last night/this morning, I managed to delude myself into thinking that I'd be able to get up at 8am for a 10:00 walk in the hills.

My alarm goes off.

Brain: "Yay, let's go for a bush-walk!"

Body: "You moron!"

I hit the snooze button. I then proceed to snooze for about two and a half hours. At 10:14 I rouse briefly (brain has humbly agreed with body that we are rather wasted and movement is a very bad idea) and decide to SMS Damon to tell him I'm not coming. Twelve minutes later I finally manage to type in an almost coherent two line message.

At 11:30 I wake up feeling much better and decide to rouse G (little bro') so that he can come to Canning Vale markets with me and carry the new carpet I'm going to buy.

Damn, no cream sisal carpet available. Have to wait till next week. Buy peanut M&Ms instead.

Later on in the afternoon, I totally gross my brother out by telling him about [something I can't mention here--yes, it is that gross]. He vows never to mingle his washing with anyone else's ever again. Hee. My work here is done.

After dinner, I'm eating a chive pancake and reading a purloined copy of Woolworth's Good Taste magazine (March 2005 issue) when I stumble across an article about Jessica Yuille--my Science teacher from Year 9 in Bathurst. She was a total hippie and very nice, which of course means that we took advantage of her all the time.

Anyway, she's living in one of those environmentally friendly houses in the Blue Mountains where the patio is made out of recycled drink bottles, the huge stove in the backyard uses 34 hours of the sun's heat to cook 2 cookies, and milk is stored in a "cold cupboard" with strategic vents instead of a fridge.

Oh well, kudos to her for trying to save the Earth, even though we're all going to live on Mars in a couple of decades because we've left this planet a withered husk. It will give us somewhere to put all the hippies.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Three parties in one night! SCOOOOORE!

Hehe, I love parties.

Party #1: Ryan's party-for-the-sake-of-having-a-party party. (I think I've mentioned the word "party" in there too many times. Oh well...)
Theme: Relaxed elegance (Damn! And I had my teenage mom skank-wear all ready to go!)
- Everyone there belonged to a book club. What am I doing with my life?
- Ryan's goat cheese filo pastries.
- Ryan's home-made mini-pizzas.
- Ryan's witty repartee and this girl with crazy eyes that I hit it off with right away. Bitch factor set to: STUN. Woooo! 

Party #2: Anne Marie's 21st and Tribute to Friends
- AmM singing "Come What May" from Moulin Rouge as a duet with Donna.
- AmM singing a song she wrote for her mother and not being able to finish it because she kept bursting into tears ... awww.
- the catfight that broke out in the carpark when one well-covered lady asked another well-endowed lady if she was pregnant. (I wasn't there for it but Andrew told me about it.)
- Meeting Graham there and getting invited to another party! Yay!

In between I had to rush home to get changed out of "Relaxed Elegance". Mum goes "Oh, you're home early!"
Me: "Can't talk! Must find brightest, most garish clothing and go to another party! Hey, do electric blue and bright green go together? No? Eeeeeexcellent..."

Party #3: Kylie's 24th
Theme: Hi5
Damn! I missed Pass the Parcel. Apparently a boy had to kiss another boy. But still made it in time for Musical Statues, Musical Bob and the Pinata.
- Definitely the pinata. Kendo skills translated well, but for sheer viciousness there's no beating Donna. Not a person you want to corner in a dark alley. I gave an involuntary kiai. Oops. Habit. I hope the neighbours didn't complain.
- Blowing bubbles. I like bubbles.
- Playdoh.
- Kylie's cupcakes. And Kylie's cookies. Yum.
- Evading RaZeR's camera. HAH! No embarrassing photos this time! What a coup!

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Photoshop rocks!

Amazing what you can do with Photoshop and airbrushing. These guys would make a fortune hiring out their services for wedding albums.

Poor FHM readers, it's not like they buy it for the articles ... 

FHM May 2005 Cover: Before and After

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Bratz dolls

Flipping through the latest Target catalogue (I like catalogues. I find them soothing) and ye gods, these horrible Bratz dolls are everywhere, with their bedroom eyes and slutty come-hither bee-stung lips.

Apparently there's a talking one available that says things like "Let's go out and meet boys!"

I wouldn't be surprised if the next batch of talking Bratz have gems like:

"Oh Mom, I need to go on the Pill for my skin." (Yeah, pull the other one kiddo. Why don't you just get pregnant instead? My dermatologist says that's great for the complexion. And at least it's honest. I mean, really, in Year 9 I was amazed at the number of girls in my year who were on the Pill for their "skin", or "irregular periods" a.k.a. David from Geography class. It's a wonder the town didn't have an epidemic of hermaphrodite sheep with really small genitals from all the hormones recycled into the water supply.)

"University degrees are for ugly girls!"

"Let's go Brazilian so boys will like us!"

OK, maybe that last one was a little far-fetched.

They are like ho' templates for little girls. Why are mothers buying these things for their daughters? I presume these are the same mothers who let their daughters leave the house looking like that. (You know what that means, do I have to spell it out? I know the guys love it, but can you spell J-A-I-L-B-A-I-T? Let's just say that with school holidays upon us, the shopping centres will be full of girls who look like they've been to a mass fluffer convention. "The Porn Recruitment Van's in town, everyone! Let's go audition!")

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Swimming pool, how I loathe thee

This blog is starting to get mother-intensive, but I've decided to move back home in order to save money for a) future property investment, b) world domination, c) kendo, d) Nicky-visiting trips interstate, so it's inevitable. Get used to it.

The pool at my parents' house has been the bane of my life for the past 10 years. It is a ravenous parasite, never satisfied with the monstrous quantities of acid and buffer taht we pour into it, even when you put that stuff in that's supposed to prevent the other stuff from evaporating. (I'm having an Oriental blonde moment and can't remember the name. It's white powdery stuff that you have to put it in a sock so it disperses slowly. Amortiser? Sodomiser? Volumiser? Hang on, that's a L'Oreal hair product. Whatever. That white stuff that goes in a sock.)

Anyway, the pool's been acting up again, so Mum and I went out to investigate the skimmer basket. The menfolk had somehow mysteriously disappeared just when we decided to do this.

One day that pool will be filled up or the house sold, and Mum and I will crack open the Bolly and have a huge party. The only thing it's good for is a) swallowing money, b) keeping briefly cool on those six really hot days in summer, c) becoming a potential future silo for hoarding petrol when the prices go past $1.15 a litre*, and d) becoming a potential future hidden burial area for useless mysteriously disappearing menfolk.

I was about to plunge my arm into the freezing water to remove the basket (yeah, I get all the good jobs) when Mum goes "*Squeal!*" and points at the water. I jump back. "What? What?" She keeps pointing at the basket. I peer in and see a small marinated rodent. I give a loud squeal myself and nearly fall into the pool.

"Hold on, I'll get a plastic bag," says Mum and goes back into the house. I get a stick and fish mousie from the water. I stand there, holding it out at arm's length, pondering how its little ribs look remarkably like fish bones and how all meat looks like chicken and why the heck is my mother taking such a long time to get a plastic bag out of a drawer? The mouse is getting heavy and I'm resisting the urge to take a closer look. Thank god I'm wearing my blindie glasses (useless for driving but good for close work).

"Why don't you just throw it over the fence into the laneway?" says a disembodied voice from the study window (my brother Glen).

So that's what I did. Exciting stuff, eh?

* Yes, I know this sounds dangerous and foolhardy, but we are talking about people related to Singaporeans, who, during the fuel price boom in the late 90s, did the following: in a bid to make an easy $100, some enterprising souls converted their car boots to a second petrol tank, drove across the border to Malaysia, filled the tanks up, and then drove their uneasy cargo back across the border to sell to cash-strapped Singaporeans. That's why they now check that people driving across to Malaysia for the weekend have full fuel tanks. Sad, eh?**

** I'm also certain that these are the same people who prompted the S'pore government's health department to issue a warning that it was UNSAFE to try and make your own contact lens saline solution from tap water and table salt.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Things my mother taught me #1

"Always have separate bank accounts."

This is the earliest one I can remember, imparted when I was around 6 years of age and had no idea what she was talking about. Aphorisms like these were usually followed by an example where someone she knew flouted this law and reaped ignominy as a result.

E.g., "You know Mrs Lee from down the road? Her husband emptied out their joint account and ran away with the maid to Malaysia. Now she has to live with her parents and clean toilets for a living."

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Must...stop..eating... before...kendo

My mother is a devil woman. I'm staying with my parents while the flat I want to move into becomes available (two blocks from Perth Police Station AND a view of the WACA--classy!), and I come home before kendo, intending to eat nothing so that I can be all nimble and gazelle-like in class, only to find that she's cooked something irresistible. Tonight it was little deep-fried fish fillets and stir-fried rice noodles with vegetables.

I have no will-power when it comes to food. As I have mentioned before, if I didn't exercise five times a week I would have an arse the size of a minor Pacific atoll. I am a food whore.

I attend parties of people I don't even like if there is going to be food available.

If there are two social events on at the same time, I prioritise based on who is going to provide the better spread.

I contemplated dressing up and pretending to know someone who was graduating so I could turn up to UWA's graduation nights and enjoy the catering services - sushi, little cakes, gourmet sandwiches...*drool*.

On Tuesday morning I went to a 90 minute presentation by Sun plugging the new Java suite because they provided a free breakfast (yes, those ham and cheese croissants were very nice, thank you). Any bets I make have food as the prize. In fact, I have a veeeery interesting bet on with Nicky at the moment, where the loser has to buy the winner a minimum three-course meal (venue pending) in the city of the winner.

So tonight, once again, I managed to train with all the agility of a pregnant elephant because my stomach is too busy digesting food.

Never mind, it won't be for long. As soon as I move out again I'll just be too lazy to cook. Once I managed to live for a week on a single stir-fried cabbage, and I can do it again, as God is my witness ...

Google preferences

Next time you're in Google, go to the Preferences link on the right hand side. For Interface Language, you can actually choose the option "Elmer Fudd", so after you save and return to Google, it will say things like "I'm Feewing Wucky".

Tonight I found the Klingon version. Hehehe, some people have waaay too much time on their hands. It'll probably take me 6 hours to change it back to English, but it was worth it :)


Bathrooms at the Feminist Bookstore

New Kitchen Accessory

Saturday, April 02, 2005


Powerful hairdryers are immensely fun. If you turn them up really high and stand in front of a mirror you can duplicate that "hair blowing in the wind" look they like to use in movies.

Hairdryer positioned under chin = "I am She-Ra, feel my WRATH!"
Hairdryer positioned to the side = "I've just had 4 people spend 12 hours putting make-up on me so I can look effortlessly beautiful..." (NB. Much imagination needed for this one.)
Hairdryer directly in front of face = G-force!